It’s started to feel a little bit cooler. At least there’s no blaring, blistering heat. A few leaves are beginning to fall and the nights are slightly chilly. Fall is on its way and that means time to reminisce and time to plan. For me anyway. Autumn time always makes me feel like remembering. Maybe it’s because we start needing to feel cozy and warm, with our sweaters, socks, and hot beverages. It’s a time to rest and think. Even if you’re busy, in the sense that you have to do a lot of things and go a lot of places, Autumn kind of makes you slow down as you get used to the chill in the breeze and settling back into school, work or whatever obligations you have in your life.
Thinking back over this past summer, geez, it’s just been crazy. It’s been the most intense summer I’ve had yet. It started out as the worst, I was exhausted emotionally, I discovered how completely lost I was when I thought I knew who I was, and I was so full of guilt and shame. The summer ended, however, as possibly one of the best yet. I know who I am, I let God pursue me, I’m not tired, guilty or ashamed. Instead, I’m excited, wiser and in love with who God made me to be. Which is a miracle. A complete and utter miracle. Alright, let me get on to the story.
I have a lot to say so I’m not going to get into details right now. But to make a very long story short, I fell in love with a guy. Really in love. I’ve mentioned a tiny bit about this in one of my earlier posts. We were best friends. We talked, prayed, wrote songs together. Had we the ability (and the licence) to drive, we would have done everything together.
Then in early April…May? Honestly, I’ve lost track of specific dates. We went too far physically and sexually and got caught. It feels very blunt to say it like that in a blog post. So far I’ve only had one on one conversations about it. But I suppose it is a blunt sort of thing. Because sex should not have been a part of our relationship yet at all. So there was no beautiful complexity, no elegant simplicity, and no real intimacy. Even though we thought there was. It was just blunt and just harmful.
I’m not against sex now. I think it is a beautiful thing when used as God intended. I don’t think sex is a dirty word and I don’t mind talking about it. But, darling, if you’re not married, if you’re not in love, don’t put yourself in that position. It doesn’t bring joy or more intimacy. It brings into your life more deceit, pain, and confusion than you’ll know what to do with. Our God is a God of miracles and He can and will deliver you from the disruption and destruction it brings into you. But thinking, “I can handle it. We’re smart, we’ll be safe” etc. is not enough. It’s kinda funny to look back and see the naivety of that way of decision making now.
I understand a lot of things now. Some of which I don’t necessarily need to understand yet, but I do and that’s where I am. I’m no longer ashamed, but I understand shame. I’m no longer guilty, but I understand guilt. I’m no longer sad, insecure or afraid, but I understand all of those things. But, like I’ve already said, our God is a God of miracles. And because of Him, now I understand love. Steffany Gretzinger’s song “Pieces” gives a vivid description of real love. In a recent blog post by the person whom I fell for, he mentioned love is hard to describe. I agree, it’s incredibly hard to explain. I think that’s why I love this song so much. It captures real love and real intimacy.
“Unreserved, unrestrained, your love is wild, your love is wild for me.
It isn’t shy, it’s unashamed, your love is proud to be seen with me.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
Uncontrolled, uncontained, Your love is fire burning bright for me.
It’s not just a spark, not just a flame, Your love is a light that all the world can see.
Your love’s not fractured, it’s not a troubled mind, it isn’t anxious, it’s not a restlessness kind.
Your love’s not passive, it’s never disengaged, it’s always present, it hangs on every word we say. Love keeps its promises, it keeps its word. It honors what’s sacred, ’cause it’s vows are good.
Your love’s not broken, not insecure, your love’s not selfish, your love is pure”
Those last two lines are what really got me. A friend showed me this song and I immediately started crying. What we did wasn’t out of love, because sex is sacred and it’s vows are good. But love isn’t broken, insecure or selfish. In fact, its pure. And He loves me with that kind of love. And He loves my lover with that kind of love. So we’re not broken anymore. We are made whole by Him. We have no need to be insecure because we’re loved with a love that is wild for us. And even though we acted in selfishness, thinking it was love, we are actually pure. Because our purity is not defined by the things we do or think, its defined only by Jesus. Only. No exceptions. And now we can love each other, our parents and friends, and anyone else we come to meet, with a love that is perfect. I can genuinely say that I love deeper and better than I ever have before. And I know He’ll continue to teach me how to love for the rest of my life.
Someone asked me if I would go back and change any point in my life. They were expecting me to say “The moment we made the decision to have sex” but I honestly wouldn’t. We went through a lot of heartache, desperation, and hurt. But out of it, God brought peace, real love, and pure joy. I wouldn’t change anything in my lifetime because this is my story. And now that I’ve been through it, I understand shame and I can help lead others to victory because He did that for me. I’m not proud of it, but I now know the truth that we are pure and our actions do not exclude us from anything. I’m extremely grateful for the people I have in my life.
I’m extremely grateful for the people I have in my life. I’m appreciative of the fact that they didn’t let this go as no big deal and helped us to learn who we are who God is. I’m in love with Him all the more, and everyone else all the more but only because of a miracle.
I really should end this now. 1,178 words. I’ll probably talk more about this later, though. Its a big subject. And I would’ve called it a heavy subject a few months ago. But I don’t see it as that anymore. I see it as a piece of our story. And because of His love that is a light, He turned it around for redemption. We are saved, we are pure, and we are more in love with life than ever before. Its true that its hard to talk about sometimes, but it doesn’t need to be. Because now its our testimony. Redemption and grace are incredibly beautiful and His love knows no bounds.