“The war is over”
A perfect way to describe my night. Sabrina texted that sentence and it kinda wrapped the whole experience up with a bow. Tonight was quite a victory. I’m still processing it and don’t completely understand it, but yet here I am.
Let’s start from the beginning. For my entire life time, I don’t remember not being in pain. Pain in my joints and muscles, constantly. I was often foggy-brained and lethargic. My physical health seemed to only deteriorate for the longest time. I’ve been frustrated and angry for so long. So so long. I was frustrated that I was so young and so incapable of feeling young. I was angry that we couldn’t find a solution or figure out the issue. I was angry at myself, at modern medicine, and really at God. I had not realized the extent or impact anger makes on you until I wasn’t angry any more.
Tonight I was healed. After 17 years of pain and frustration. Tonight I was healed in body and spirit and soul. Tonight I was healed and it’s my turn to pass it on. Tonight I was healed and I receive it.
Church began. I walked into the sanctuary as worship started and stood in my usual place against the back wall where I had room to move. As I worshiped, soaking in the tangible anticipation, I asked Jesus for hope. This morning I’d accepted that maybe I’ll live the rest of my life in pain. “I guess that’s okay. I guess that’s who I am,” I thought.
Abba began to show me a sort of flashback on the past two years. There have been many very hard moments and many very wonderful moments in these past couple years. He took me gently through seasons and circumstances, showing me where He was in each one. I gained some understanding and peace about places where I’d missed Him. Then He took me through a vision of the next two years, sharing His heart for me and my ministry. He broke my box I’d placed on my future. He shared His excitement for me and the people in my life. He showed me specifics and He showed me holy ambition.
After this I was feeling pretty good. I was excited and intent on being in His presence. I continued to worship, now smiling, and then listened to the message. Throughout all of this I’m in pain, as the last whole of my life has been. Nothing new. But here I am and I’m happy. I’m grateful. I know who I am. I’m sitting with Jesus.
God loves surprises.
Honestly, it’s all a blur right now. Probably because I’m still in shock. But after the message, we were praying together. Pastor John Arnott begins to talk about healing and I lose it. I then realized I’d lost all hope for healing. I didn’t believe it was for me. In my visions He’d shared how I’d be a healer, which is truly my heart. But I thought that must look different than I’d thought because I don’t get healing.
“He wants to heal all of you,” says John.
I tear up, thinking, “God, I want healing.”
Then he starts to talk about forgiveness and prompts us to forgive those who hurt us and owe us. I do so. And I decided to give up the anger and hurt I was holding on to. I said “God, I need you to take this” and forgave. That’s when the healing occurred.
My anger and hurt were getting in the way of me letting Him in. To be healed, I needed to let myself be touched. I’d been hurt and angry and put guards up. I had no idea they were there but that doesn’t make them any less strong. To forgive I had to take those down. I had to let the intimate, raw places in me be opened.
My Jesus is gentle.
My pain is gone.
Then he walked us through forgiving ourselves and I forgave myself for having walls. I realized my pain was gone. I could move my fingers without aching. I couldn’t feel it in my chest, my joints….it was just gone. It was new. It was freeing.
I lost it. I started sobbing mostly out of shock. I didn’t know until that moment what it’s like to not be in pain. Sabrina prayed and asked me what happened. When I finally got the words up, she helped me to the front so I could declare my healing.
The declaration of healing in front of a congregation was important to me. The fact that I could have confidence that this is it was overwhelming and exciting. The war is over. I can be at peace. I can rest in victory.
After that I was prayed over and Jesus continued to love on me. I’m still in shock and processing. I probably will be for a little while. I’ve got a lot to learn about this experience, about healing and about sharing what’s been given to me. But right now I know all that I need to.
I know I am healed and pain free. I know I am whole and who I’m meant to be. I know He sees me and loves to give good gifts. I know I am at peace. I know the war is over. I know this is for good.
I’ll be writing more about this in the near future. Damn, God is good.