The Process of Healing and Finding

In the past few years I have been physically unhealthy. It has been obvious to myself and my family that something, though who knows what, is wrong. Nights have been long and restless, as I wake up throughout the night. An anxiety and depression set in, with loved ones and I assuming I was simply having a bad day or that some trivial error had tipped me off the brink. Unexplained pain that I learned to ignore riddled my body and even caused joint injuries over time. I never considered piecing these things together as one issue until recently. I was talking about to my mom about the pain in my muscles and joints. By this time we knew I had some copper/zinc level issues and credited basically all of my symptoms to that. After we talked; her asking questions and me answering, she handed me an open book and told me to look up fibromyalgia (a chronic disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain, fatigue, and tenderness in localized areas). As the list of symptoms fit mine, we decided we would treat as if I had it, even though we don’t have the concrete diagnosis of an experienced doctor.
So, after about a week of knowing what is wrong with me, I have been taking care of myself as if I had fibromyalgia and have noticed definitive differences in the days when I take care of myself and the days where I didn’t. Hopefully soon I’ll have the words of a doctor to confirm and listen to.
But this is not a post about fibromyalgia. This is a post about process. Life is a process, right? Always. Even since before you popped into this beautiful world, you were in the process of being created and formed. And then for your mother, not so much popped but heaved in arduous manor, her letting you go was a process. And from then on you began the process of growing. Solid foods, baby steps, talking…relationships, identity, core values. Humans are built on process. We function on doing and discovering and thinking about what others are doing or have discovered. Then there are all the miniature processes within the bigger ones. Like the way your neurons are firing like lightning as you read these words. You are seeing them, reading them, understanding them, as well as comparing and relating the message I’m giving you to your own person. Life is beautifully filled with movement and development.
Process is evidently important then, isn’t it? We believe in a divine, lovely creator who can measure the waters in the hollow of His hand, and mark off the heavens by the span,  and calculate the dust of the earth by the measure, and weigh the mountains in a balance, and the hills in a pair of scales (Isaiah 40:12). Wouldn’t we expect Him to have a beautifully designed method and operation for life?
When it comes to health, my process has been messy. Then again, I could give examples of many personal processes that have been handled messily. But talking about health specifically, I never paid too much attention to it. My family, my mom especially, is relatively aware of our health and when the need arises we take supplements and generally know what to do to fix the problem. So when this issue that I couldn’t fix came up so prevalent, so heavy in my own life, I didn’t know what to do with myself. This past week has been a roller coaster.
I realized how much I lean on my ability to fix things for myself. I always thought that if I want something done, I’d have to do it myself. I’ve always hated asking for help, even if I truly needed it. My natural inclination is to find a solution to the problem and execute. Its this kind of independence, the one where you can’t depend on someone when you’re in your hardest times, that breaks you down completely. I’m grateful to have realized this so early on in this process of healing. I’ve had this revelation before, as you’ll see in posts before, but not so much that I can’t escape it. I like when that happens; the revelation that is inescapable.
I can’t do this. I can take supplements, work on my sleep and take steps toward being healthier. But in the long run, I can’t do it. And for that I am grateful. I need to learn daily that I am not the source of my own comfort or life.
But the process of healing is always beautiful. Whether it takes years or days, doctors or Google, tough decisions or easy ones, healing is beautiful.
The process I am in right now is learning to trust and learning to decide to have a good day. The daily decision of “I’m not gonna let today suck” is important and sometimes difficult. But it fits the season I’m in of aiming for intentionality. When everything is a conscious choice, you’re forced to have a different perspective on life in the sense that you see everything and its harder to take things for granted.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it and say I’m grateful for this sickness, I’m not. But I am grateful for the choices I have to make and the way I have to look at life. Its beautiful and interesting and an excited learning curve. Life is great y’all.


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