Letting Go

As I’ve briefly explained in previous posts, right now my life is taking interesting turns and new directions in ways I wouldn’t ever expect. And a lot of the time it’s not comfortable. Sometimes it even hurts. I thought I was prepared for tough times and hard knocks with the recent transitions in my beliefs and world views. But now I’ve  learned that changed mindsets do not change the physical world. I would say it can change reality; my reality. Because my reality, my world, and the way I see it, are all based soon what I believe about it. It’s important to be able to grasp where this world came from, who our everything belongs to, and where our place in this epic story is. When you believe that you must appease God in order to gain His approval, and you go through all the motions, say all the right words, avoid all the wrong things, then and only then are you in line with God. But if you believe you are son or daughter of God, heir to His throne, loved extravagantly and unconditionally, in deep connection with King of the universe, then you know that you are forever in line with God.

So what happens when you’re stuck in the physical, and things aren’t necessarily well, and you know the truth but you can’t shake the reality of your emotions? For me personally, I knew all these things. I knew I was a daughter, and that I didn’t need to earn His approval ’cause it’s mine to take. But lately, I’ve had the very real emotions of resentment and disappointment. I was utterly confused because I didn’t want to feel this way, and I couldn’t even think of a reason why I felt this way. I took it out on my family a lot. I’ve said a lot of things I didn’t mean and I’m very sorry for that. I have no reason to resent or be angry at anyone in my family and I knew that, so the confusion grew.

Then I was listening to “Strength” by Jonathan and Melissa Helser and He spoke to me. He told me that I’m not resting yet. I thought I had finished with that conversation because I’d learned to trust Him. But no, it was only the beginning. I was still striving to be something. I was striving to understand Him, striving to look like what I knew, striving to rest. You will never get anything by striving. Never. So through all this trying to become and laboring to know, I got tired. I became exhausted when the results that I wanted were not coming through. So I had this revelation and didn’t know what to do with it until I saw a beautiful blog post about bitterness. And then I realized I had been harboring other’s bitterness and disappointment. It wasn’t mine, but I unwittingly took it on as my own and let it impact me. That is quite a slippery slope.

I’ve always let myself be someone who people can tell their secrets to, and I much prefer deep relationships rather than shallow acquaintances. But I didn’t know how important it was to protect myself from other’s reality. I had let other’s problems seep into my world and lodge themselves in my life; a place which they do not belong. I still absolutely believe we should be available to listen and help when we can with other’s problems. But when you let it become your own problem it affects your life in ways it shouldnt and prohibits you from walking in freedom you know is yours.

I had to let go. Actually I still do. The way I’ve been doing that is writing every single problem, concern, fear, worry, or confusion in my journal and saying “This isn’t mine anymore.” Some of these people need me to understand their issues and be there for them. So I can still empathize and comfort them. I will not let that drop, but I simply won’t take it as my own. I know who I am, where I belong in this story, and where this world came from so I won’t let other’s misunderstandings of it tamper with my reality. Letting go is a process and I’ll write more about that subject soon, but I need to wrap up this post for now, even though its relatively short. So in conclusion: when you know your reality and where and whom you belong to, don’t strive to be something else. You won’t get there if you’re striving. And don’t let other’s realities taint your own.

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